You are preparing to come back to the home country for an overdue home assignment. Life is intensely busy and there are too many loose ends to tie up! You have a fair idea what to expect when you return; your children, less so.
They may be excessively excited about all that is to come, or they may be anxious but, in either case, it is very possible that their expectations will not match reality.
It is therefore realistic to expect and prepare for some stressful moments and even regression of behaviour or development. For younger children this could involve being clingy or immature, or a return to bedwetting and, for older children it could be, for example, a reluctance to engage socially or overuse of technology.
By ‘healthy home assignment’, we mean one where children are supported as they cope with change so that they build resilience and ‘find their feet’ again relatively quickly. In this case, they will gradually ease out of regressive behaviours as they feel more comfortable and confident and get back to where they were developmentally. How can we help children to bounce back and enjoy home assignment? We asked for suggestions from several families with recent experience…
Think ahead
- Keep a box or photo book with photos of significant people you met on your last home assignment. Use this to talk about and pray for these people or the churches they represent, so that a connection is maintained.
- Talk to your church about ways to help the children feel welcome and part of the church family, even though they may see new and unfamiliar faces in church. Perhaps having a family with children the same age to link up with, who can then accompany your children to Sunday School or youth group.
- Explain to close relatives that the children will take some time to be able to enjoy social interaction and try to go at their pace.
- Make a point of building in family routines and traditions that can move with you, and are not location specific. For example, having a family movie night on a Friday night, or making pancakes for Sunday breakfast.
Take time
- Prepare yourself as a parent, and especially a mum, to give more time to your children, especially at bedtime, and to be mindful of unexpected reactions.
- Try and keep as much normality as possible in your family devotions. Make sure this doesn’t get squeezed out as routines are disrupted.
- Take account of differing children’s needs – one might need more physical touch, another more one on one time. Take time to find out what they need from you.
- Take time to talk to the children and prepare them for the practical things that will be different. For example, explain the cutlery people will use and other different cultural practices. Practising some imaginary situations can be a fun and very helpful game.
Provide a listening ear and a safe space
- Make sure that everyone knows where each child has a safe space for downtime, even if this is just a corner of a room in temporary locations.
- If children express strong dislikes and cynicism about the culture, ask them what bothers them so much, encouraging discussion rather than shutting them down.
Be selective about church visits
- Remember that what your children need might not be what is popular. It can be hard trying to please people and do the right thing for your family. You might have to decide that the children are not going to show up at every event or church service, but stay with one parent, or wider family instead.
- Be prepared for what may come after a church service, whether that is having to talk to strangers, or having a meal in someone’s home. Let children know as realistically as possible what is coming, or let hosts know in advance that you won’t stay late.
- If they can sit well in a church service, don’t insist that they go to the Sunday School in every church you visit.
- An example from one family for church visits: Plan a simple 5-minute presentation that the children can do or be involved in. They then have the choice at each church to do the presentation or to opt out. At the beginning of a series of church visits, they often enjoy being a part of it and, by the end, they often opt out.
- This article from The Gospel Coalition suggests good questions that people can ask TCKs to create friendly connections and engagement. Why not share this with your friends and supporting churches?
Be realistic socially
- If a child has emotional meltdowns or shows anxiety when they meet new people or go into new situations, try to schedule some days when it is just your family – resist inviting friends to join you on every outing.
- If there is a choice, prioritise meeting new people in the place where you are based, rather than trekking around the countryside to multiple homes.
- Help them understand what is reasonable and realistic socially. They may make new friends but may not be there long enough to have deep relationships. Be realistic, so children know how invested to become. For instance, “these are family friends that we will see every time we are here” versus “these are people we might not meet again”.
Be realistic educationally
- Focus on what is reasonable academically and let the children know what the priorities are. For example, “this term I want you to learn what you can and make friends, but as far as grades go, you don’t have to be excellent”.
- Give grace and compassion for times of change. If they are continuing homeschooling on home assignment, focus on the basics and use the new experiences as the rest of the curriculum.
Maintain Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs)
Research has shown that positive engagement can help children to build resilience to cope with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Be realistic: try to aim for most of these things most of the time, not all of them all the time! Some examples include:
Feeling heard when talking about feelings in the family.
Being supported by peers – this may mean allowing time on the phone or computer in different countries while separated. Finding peers with whom they can consistently interact is important.
Feeling safe in the home – making a safe space in the home where they can relax and making sure the children are comfortable with the adults with whom you are staying.
Non-parent adult relationships – home assignment can be one of the best places to facilitate this interaction. Encourage pre-teens and teenagers to be matched up with a couple of trusted older people. Sometimes deeper conversations happen with someone other than a parent and it is very valuable for children to feel listened to by more than just their parents.
Returning to your mission location
- Be intentional about preparing to return to your mission location.
- Try not to fill out the very last days of your home assignment with meetings and interactions, or ‘hit the ground running’ once you get back. Just as with home assignment, your children will need more of your time and attention for this transition, and most of all a listening ear.
As with everything, communication is key. Try to look at situations through your children’s eyes and imagine their reactions to unfamiliar scenarios. By taking some time to think these things through, plan appropriately and discuss them with your children, you stand a good chance of you all, as a family, enjoying your home assignment and building healthy memories for when you return to the mission location.